I’m Still Not OK

I’ve felt pretty skinny fat since my surgery and I hate it.

I’ve been pretty weak for a couple years now (relative to my previous best), and I hate that too.

If I were to take any course of action to get me out of either of those situations (to diet or to lift heavily through pain) I would never get better.

I’m not writing this to say “I’ve learned how to be patient” because I don’t think that’s actually true. I mean that’s what we SAY about people who get through hard times, but it’s not the real feels. 

I honestly DO hate being a version that is less than my best. 

Every second of it. 

But I literally have no choice.

So I pretend to be ok.

Not for anyone else. Not for people to think I’m fine and that I’m patient. But only because there’s no getting around it and dwelling doesn’t make my road any easier.

So rather than writing about how I’ve “learned” to deal with things, I think it’s best to simply express that we all have short term things we hate but are willing to sit through in service of the long game. 

I am proud that I continue to sit here, less solid and strong than I used to be, until that is no longer the case.

Because one day, it won’t be.

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